I didn’t quit smoking because I am expecting — this will not be a shock to any long-time readers.
I’m not hardcore — I like (some) people’s children. Plus, I have no doubt that my friends with kids had better reasons for procreation than the ones that were printed in the National Post recently See: 40 reasons to have children.
Here are my thoughts on the reasons put forth…
- Kids love parents unconditionally, even as adults.
- Going to the zoo is so much more fun with kids.
- Kids love to bake.
- Their successes give you reason to feel proud, if not because you helped, then because they are related.
- Kids give the best hugs.
- Nothing smells better than freshly washed kids.
- Who is going to mow the lawn?
- Who takes out the garbage?
- Kids make you laugh more, and that creates good brain chemicals.
- Kids make you sing more — even more good brain chemicals.
- Chai wallahs — need I say more?
- Kids help you to slow down and appreciate simple things.
- You get to colour, paint, cut and paste whenever you like.
- Chinese checkers.
- The Game of Life.
- You can beat someone at Bop It and Tetris.
- Someone in the house knows how to work your iPod/phone/camera/DVD player.
- Kids help you meet and keep in touch with the neighbours.
- Kids will talk to your parents for hours on the phone.
- Idyllic minor league baseball championships at tree-canopied fields on Saturdays in August.
- Your husband buys everyone doughnuts when the kids play well.
- You get to listen to children’s choirs several times a year.
- It’s fun to see their senses of humour develop.
- Reading aloud.
- The sounds of happy kids playing together makes the heart swell.
- Kids like to fold laundry — go figure.
- You get to see the sun come up on the way to hockey practice in December.
- You get to see beautiful sunsets on the way home from hockey practice in July.
- You never have to grocery shop alone — and they help load the bags.
- Grocery shopping alone sometimes feels like a special treat.
- Kids love camping.
- Kids think that bugs and fossils are very cool.
- Kids are not self-conscious about dancing/ singing in public.
- Kids think you’re a doctor because you can clean and bandage a scrape.
- Kids think that peanut butter and jam sandwiches are the best dinner ever.
- Kids like to grow things.
- Kids love to dress up in old clothes.
- Sleeping kids are a most peaceful sight.
Wishful thinking on the part of some parents.
And why would you go to the zoo without kids unless you loved the zoo more than going out for a lovely brunch?
And I don’t. So what would the point of that be?
That’s nice and all but what’s wrong with feeling proud of one’s own successes? What if you kids are not very accomplished? Do you need to have more or risk damage to your self-esteem?
Kids hug me sometimes — not random ones — it’s nice but the best ever? No.
Well, better than the zoo anyway.
Get a condo, sister! No lawn, no eavestroughs, no driveway…
People have kids because they are too lazy to take out their own garbage? I don’t like washing the floors myself…let me check my ovaries.
Lots of things make me laugh. I laugh all day long.
I sing all day — ask my office mates. I’m not sure what it does for their brain chemical situation.
I have no idea what a chai wallah is. I know chai is tea. I like that. But what the hell’s wallah? Sounds Australian.
But I like fast and complicated things.
I’ll pass. I prefer to read books in the tub.
Board games? Maybe Scrabble with people who can spell. Big people. Maybe. Again, I’d rather soak in the tub.
I can do that now.
People buy things they don’t know how to use?
Did I mention the joys of condo life? People are aloof. Why in the world would you want to keep in touch with the strange people who live next door?
If someone doesn’t want to talk to their parents who am I to judge.
Idyllic? How many Saturdays in August are we talking about? There are only four and usually one is already obliterated due to a wedding. I’d rather wash my windows.
I don’t like donuts. Even free ones. I woudn’t care if the kids won or lost, either. Do the losers not deserve donuts? What kind of lesson is that?
I’d rather mow someone else’s lawn in the rain.
What if they develop a cheesy one? What then?
Get a job in PR — you can do this everyday.
Until the baseball comes sailing through the front window.
Kids create mountains of laundry and I have a feeling they don’t fold it very well.
The day I am up at sunrise in December is the day I’m on my way to the airport for an international vacation.
More hockey in July. Hockey is multi-seasonal? Isn’t soccer cheaper and less time-consuming?
I prefer Grocery Gateway.
I’d rather perform my own tooth extraction with rusty grapefruit spoon than go camping.
So do a bunch of people I work with but they get paid to think so.
Thankfully they outgrow this.
Stupid kids maybe. Don’t most kids know what their parents do at work.
Are kids not supposed to eat fresh vegetables and stuff for dinner?
Yeah but do they like to weed the garden?
So do the hipsters in Kensington Market.
And then they wake of screaming from a stomach ache — no doubt due to too much peanut butter and jam for dinner.