FyYAH down the filthy riVAH…

By | August 10, 2009

The hostess at the hotel restaurant should not consider changing careers and apply for a job with the Rhode Island tourism board or commission or whatever the hell they call that office in that tiny state.

Conversation snippet:

Hostess: Why did you come to Rhode Island? It’s this big (circling thumb and forefinger). It’s so boring here.

Your reporter: Water Fire — it’s supposed to be beautiful.

Hostess: They light some wood and float it down the filthy river (pronounced riVAH). Its just some burning wood floating down the river. Burning wood on fire (fyYAH) floating down the river. It’s really boring. You came all the way here for that?

There’s lots of people down there, oh, there will be 8000 people down there…there will be candy apples, people selling shit and music and stuff. You could take a gondola ride in the filthy riVAH too if you wanted to. It’s so boring here.

Your reporter: Well, I guess Providence isn’t Boston or New York.

Hostess: No it isn’t, those are fun cities. Why did you come here?

Your reporter: They sent me a brochure telling me how lovely it is here. They had a special section about the fire business… it’s supposed to be really beautiful.

We were seated and had a lovely dinner. Then we walked over to Water Fire. Then we walked back.

It was — as described so eloquently by the young woman — very boring.
However people seemed to be enjoying themselves which struck me as odd. I was thinking they could perhaps add some jugglers or fireworks to spice things up.

So we went back to the restaurant for coffee and dessert.

Hostess: See!?

Your reporter: Yeah…it was boring and a bit bizarre.

Hostess: Why didn’t you go to a beach? Do you have beaches in Canada? (Yes, this was uttered).

Your reporter: Yes, we do. But we’re not really beach people. (She was a beach person given her tan but I am getting off-topic).

In my head I was thinking: sure we do, three oceans and a few lakes but I didn’t want to be snarky with my new young friend. It’s not her fault they don’t teach geography in the United States.)

There was more, for example, I encouraged her to move to New York and live it up among other things that maybe I’ll talk about later.

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