Category : Cut the Comedy

Why is my head so fat?

A quick Google search told me that Bliss’s Fat Girl products are not part of a new line, but I don’t go into Sephora very often, so it’s new to me. fat-girl

Now I have not read any peer-reviewed studies on the efficacy of fat-slimming products, but my guess is that they only work in combination with a rigorous diet and exercise plan — and that the plan would work equally well without the addition of the creamy magical thinking in a jar Bliss is selling.

No body shaming big heads included


I’m not going to write about body shaming. That topic has been covered by many people smarter than me.

If I think about it — and frankly I don’t think about it often — the only part of my body that I’d like to shrink is my head. That way I could get my Thomas & Friends hat to fit.


Hey, did you know I’m a Canadian of Macedonian descent? Some people don’t think I exist.

I’m no scholar and I don’t claim to have a lot of understanding about the whole Macedonian issue from a historical perspective But there are a few things I do know:

  • I sometimes talk to my aunts, uncles and cousins in Macedonian — very childlike Macedonian — since I can barely string a grammatical sentence together and my vocabulary pretty much only covers food, pleasantries and household things like pots, pans, brooms and mops (thanks, Mom)!
  • The language I can barely speak is not Greek. Not even close. Oh look, here’s a handy language tree that can explain it better than I can.

tree of languagesIf you look very closely you can see wee Macedonian beside Bulgarian…

Okay, so Macedonian is related to Bulgarian. And Bulgarian is a Slavic language….Slavic — you know — like Polish, Russian, Ukrainian and Czech. (What I can’t explain is why I am not tall and blond, but trust me, I am of Slavic stock. Short, chubby Slavic stock.)

This is not me!
This is not me!

But my last name is Elias — sounds Greek, right? That’s because it is Greek. And my family emigrated from Greece. But we are ethnic Macedonians. (Oh boy, now the thrills begin….just saying that can incite some serious shade!)

Here’s why: The names of villages, towns, cities and people (like the ones now named Elias) were changed. That and a whole lot more. A few examples:

  • 1913 — Eradication: over 160 Macedonian villages were burned with significant loss of life and the remaining population forced to flee.
  • 1925 — Greece denies the existence of Macedonians and refers to them as Slavophone Greeks or Old Bulgarians.
  • 1926 — Legislative Orders in Government Gazette #331 orders Macedonians names of towns, villages, mountains changed to Greek names.
  • 1927 — Cyrillic inscriptions destroyed or overwritten from Macedonian churches, tombstones, and icons. Church services in the Macedonian language are outlawed. Macedonians were forced by the Greek state to abandon their personal names and adopt Greek names assigned to them. Some of the Hellenized names still echo their original forms. For example, Mr. Popov became Mr. Pappas. Other Macedonian names were replaced with completely different Greek names. For example, Mr. Ickarov became Mr. Christidis.
  • 1928 — 1,497 Macedonian place names converted to Greek.
  • 1938 — Law 23666 banned the use of the Macedonian language and strove to erase every trace of the Macedonian identity. Macedonians were fined, beaten, jailed, and exiled to arid islands for simply being Macedonian by birth and/or for speaking Macedonian. Adults and children were further humiliated by being forced to drink castor oil when they were caught speaking the Macedonian language.
  • 1946-49 — Further extermination and expulsion of Macedonians during the Greek Civil War.
  • 1953 — Greek authorities meet in Salonika to plan expulsion of Macedonians and to bring Greeks from the south to colonize lands belonging to Macedonian exiles. Decree 504—continued property confiscation and parcels of land are given to Greek colonists along with financial incentives.
  • 1959 — Law 3958 allows for confiscation of property of those who left Greece and did not return within five years. The populations of many Macedonian villages in the districts of Florina, Kastoria, and Edessa were forced to swear language oaths never to speak Macedonian and to speak only Greek. The people would gather in the appointed place in their respective villages and in front of Greek church, government, and military officials were made to give the following oath: “I promise before God and men and the official authorities of the state that from this day on I shall cease speaking the Slavic Idiom, which only gives grounds for misunderstanding to the enemies of our country, the Bulgarians, and that I will speak everywhere and always the official language of my fatherland, the Greek language, in which the Holy Gospel of Jesus Christ is written.”
  • 1987 — Greece establishes special “kindergartens” for two and three year old Macedonian children so as to ensure they learn the Greek language and prevent them from learning the Macedonian language at home.

And there is the whole “Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia (FYOM) kerfuffle.The Greeks really are not letting this go. Yeah, this is all sad, but it doesn’t impact me day to day. And of course, it cannot ever compare with the other far, far greater horrors others have suffered. Never.

But this is not just something that happened back in the old country. You might not believe it, but this whole “Macedonians are really Greek” business affects me personally on a fairly regular basis. Like just last week and the week before that, too. Really.

Let me tell you about it — or stop reading and wait until I post something funny again.

There are many Canadians of Greek extraction who understand the whole Macedonian business — quite a few of my friends and relatives, in fact. None of them expect me to chat with them in Greek. (Which is good, since I can’t speak Greek beyond a few words of greeting and profanity.)

There are also quite a few Canadians who emigrated from Greece — but are ethnic Macedonians (like my family) — who don’t consider themselves Macedonian. (Note that they are/were Greek citizens — I am speaking only of ethnicity). Try to wrap your head around that. Suffice it to say, the Greek assimilationist policies worked very well on a lot of people.

I come across one such person at work sometimes. She tries to talk to me in Greek, but I tell her I’m Macedonian and I can’t speak Greek.You’d think that would be the end of it — but no!  This person then switches to Macedonian (Greeks can’t speak Macedonian) and tells me how we are not really Macedonian at all (silly me)…that we are true Greeks. There’s a word for this

“They are so brainwashed that they believe everyone is brainwashed. This is a disgrace, don’t they remember there grandparents that only spoke Macedonian? Don’t they remember their grandparents who struggled against the Greeks all those years? The people of Lerin (link is mine) are bilingual now but at one stage they had only one language and that was Macedonian.They are not proud Macedonians, they are brainwashed Macedonians.” (“Daniel the Great” on the Macedonian Truth Forum)

I do my best to be polite — I am at work, of course, but I am naturally a polite person regardless — but it can be difficult. Our last conversation went something like this:

Macedonian Speaking Greek Person (MSGP): “Ti kanis?” (How are you in Greek).
Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t speak Greek. Please let’s not speak Greek, okay?”
MSGP: “Like it or not, you are Greek. If you go back home, you know you have to speak Greek.”

There was another incident in my personal sphere as well, but I am so very tired of this topic now…..for those of you who endured reading this…I am sure you get the idea.